Comrades,
The dregs of the soup were sufficient to quell your pangs of hunger, yes?
No? Then be going to tell it on mountain, bourgeois swine!
You are remembering I trust the last installment of my tutorial to global economic meltdown >HERE<, yes? If you are saying no, then please be going back to read.
Still you refuse, zombie James Madison?! You are sickening to me! Away to the undead repatriation center, fiend!
Comrade Gregorovich and I drifted for an unknown time amid the blowing breezes, happily recounting our numerous adventures together. From our meetings with the Annual Congress of Chupacabra Wranglers; to our imprisonment within the stifling fungus mines of the Mole People; we have encountered the strange and the minty, but never before have I been so honored as to witness the beauty of the cove of Elvin Princes.
Comrade Gregorovich guided our bubble of laughter to a gentle landing at the doorstep of the Princes’ abode.
“Come along, friend Konstantinovich. The Vizier of the Planet zzyYThMlke has personally sent to me telepathically the knowledge you are to seek. So onward, brave friend! Onward into the abode of the Elvin Princes, cleverly disguised as a large mound of elephant dung! Crawl with me through the hidden entrance, so that your training may begin!”
Comrades, so powerful was the magic of the Princes that I almost felt as though I were tunneling through a mountain of shit! So brilliant was the ruse, that many times my brain was being tricked into forcing me to vomit repeatedly! But my insect spirit guide and I were led to the home’s grand viewing room, where I was to learn the secrets of the universe!
“Friend Konstantinovich, let us start simply,” began my spirit guide. “The economic crisis the world finds itself in has greatly troubled Vizier JimnuUmm ‘lmi XIII, who has found his realty business here on earth floundering on collapse. He is most desirous to rid himself of numerous rental properties, but he cannot do so until YOU, armed with knowledge we are to provide, are able to reverse this great tide of woe.
Friend, are you prepared to face your most feared nightmares, nymphs, and possibly demonically-possessed cabaret dancers?”
“Comrade! With your teaching and pointings, I am prepared even to face off against the magical Sasquatch of the fifth dimension of Irgothr!”
“Very well, friend,” Comrade Gregorovich donned his battle cape and armored yet fashionable top hat. “Then let us begin!
Let us cut through some of the – pardon my French – bullshit of the vast left-wing conspiracy of the American mainstream media.”
“Comrade Gregorovich,” I interrupted, “am I not mistaking the memory that a majority of network journalists polled identified themselves as Republican?”
“No, friend Konstantinovich. I mean poor people; the poverty-stricken; those of low income; the filthy, disgusting unwashed masses! THEY are among the most worst of the instigators of this crisis!”
“Comrade,” I cried, “I am fearing incomprehension! How could so many proletariats be instigating this crisis without such knowledge being disseminated widely?”
“Ah! But you ARE comprehending , friend Konstantinovich. You are simply not aware yet.” At this, Comrade Gregorovich spun in circles, emitting sparks and wondrous emissions of sulfur-tinged flames.
"Friend, let us explore the technological cesspit your fellow humans refer to as ‘the internet’. There we shall find horror unimaginable by the feeble minds of your species.”
Comrade Gregorovich then emitted a high-pitched yodel, and my laptop was appearing before me magically!
“Friend Konstantinovich, allow me to point you to the third most influential group consisting of the vast left-wing conspiracy smear machine; the vile, evil Communists of…MEDIA MATTERS.ORG!”
At the uttering of the name of this soul-crushing cabal of villainy, Comrade Gregorovich then ripped off one his own legs and began beating himself about his compound eyes!
“AAARRGH! THE LEFTISTS WILL KILL US ALL!! LIBERALS HATE AMERICA!! THEY DETEST EVERYTHING AMERICA STANDS FOR!! AMERICA LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, COMMIES!! BLARGH LNMIMLJK GMIM!! LMIHNI! SHLLLLLIIIIITHM!!”
“Comrade” I screeched, “please be ceasing your self-flagellation! Why are you dismembering yourself?! The colorful candy hidden within will be flooding from your thorax, yes?!”
Comrage Gregorovich was able to slowly regain self-control. I held my friend while he sobbed for the better part of two hours. Such a strange pair, I am imagining how we looked to outsiders: Comrade Gregorovich, six-centimeters in length and sporting his ubiquitous oversized novelty sunglasses; and myself, in my new pantsuit of molded plaster and tinfoil shoes.
Comrade Gregorovich sniffled and wiped his compound eyes with hanky, “I am sorry, friend. I find myself suffering from righteous indignation more and more often these days, since the ascendancy of Obama as America’s number one homosexual Manchurian Candidate.
The dregs of the soup were sufficient to quell your pangs of hunger, yes?
No? Then be going to tell it on mountain, bourgeois swine!
You are remembering I trust the last installment of my tutorial to global economic meltdown >HERE<, yes? If you are saying no, then please be going back to read.
Still you refuse, zombie James Madison?! You are sickening to me! Away to the undead repatriation center, fiend!
Comrade Gregorovich and I drifted for an unknown time amid the blowing breezes, happily recounting our numerous adventures together. From our meetings with the Annual Congress of Chupacabra Wranglers; to our imprisonment within the stifling fungus mines of the Mole People; we have encountered the strange and the minty, but never before have I been so honored as to witness the beauty of the cove of Elvin Princes.
Comrade Gregorovich guided our bubble of laughter to a gentle landing at the doorstep of the Princes’ abode.
“Come along, friend Konstantinovich. The Vizier of the Planet zzyYThMlke has personally sent to me telepathically the knowledge you are to seek. So onward, brave friend! Onward into the abode of the Elvin Princes, cleverly disguised as a large mound of elephant dung! Crawl with me through the hidden entrance, so that your training may begin!”
Comrades, so powerful was the magic of the Princes that I almost felt as though I were tunneling through a mountain of shit! So brilliant was the ruse, that many times my brain was being tricked into forcing me to vomit repeatedly! But my insect spirit guide and I were led to the home’s grand viewing room, where I was to learn the secrets of the universe!
“Friend Konstantinovich, let us start simply,” began my spirit guide. “The economic crisis the world finds itself in has greatly troubled Vizier JimnuUmm ‘lmi XIII, who has found his realty business here on earth floundering on collapse. He is most desirous to rid himself of numerous rental properties, but he cannot do so until YOU, armed with knowledge we are to provide, are able to reverse this great tide of woe.
Friend, are you prepared to face your most feared nightmares, nymphs, and possibly demonically-possessed cabaret dancers?”
“Comrade! With your teaching and pointings, I am prepared even to face off against the magical Sasquatch of the fifth dimension of Irgothr!”
“Very well, friend,” Comrade Gregorovich donned his battle cape and armored yet fashionable top hat. “Then let us begin!
Konstantinovich, please cease the ingestion of your glue stick!
Now there is, in reality, a small party of fiends responsible for the near total collapse of the world’s free market economy. For your primary lesson, perhaps we’ll start with the smaller villains, then work our way up to the one I call, ‘the Humble Yet Not Humble Humbler of Humbling’, or Stanley for short.
Let us cut through some of the – pardon my French – bullshit of the vast left-wing conspiracy of the American mainstream media.”
“Comrade Gregorovich,” I interrupted, “am I not mistaking the memory that a majority of network journalists polled identified themselves as Republican?”
“Ah, friend Konstantinovich; your ignorance is refreshing in its childlike innocence. No, my child; all journalists have been so successfully indoctrinated by their university Bolshevik professors, it is but child’s play to manipulate those fools to answer any question any way they instruct!
No, friend; our first villain today is: the POOR!”
“The ‘poor’ WHAT, comrade?”
“The ‘poor’ WHAT, comrade?”
“No, friend Konstantinovich. I mean poor people; the poverty-stricken; those of low income; the filthy, disgusting unwashed masses! THEY are among the most worst of the instigators of this crisis!”
“Comrade,” I cried, “I am fearing incomprehension! How could so many proletariats be instigating this crisis without such knowledge being disseminated widely?”
“Ah! But you ARE comprehending , friend Konstantinovich. You are simply not aware yet.” At this, Comrade Gregorovich spun in circles, emitting sparks and wondrous emissions of sulfur-tinged flames.
"Friend, let us explore the technological cesspit your fellow humans refer to as ‘the internet’. There we shall find horror unimaginable by the feeble minds of your species.”
Comrade Gregorovich then emitted a high-pitched yodel, and my laptop was appearing before me magically!
“Friend Konstantinovich, allow me to point you to the third most influential group consisting of the vast left-wing conspiracy smear machine; the vile, evil Communists of…MEDIA MATTERS.ORG!”
At the uttering of the name of this soul-crushing cabal of villainy, Comrade Gregorovich then ripped off one his own legs and began beating himself about his compound eyes!
“AAARRGH! THE LEFTISTS WILL KILL US ALL!! LIBERALS HATE AMERICA!! THEY DETEST EVERYTHING AMERICA STANDS FOR!! AMERICA LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, COMMIES!! BLARGH LNMIMLJK GMIM!! LMIHNI! SHLLLLLIIIIITHM!!”
“Comrade” I screeched, “please be ceasing your self-flagellation! Why are you dismembering yourself?! The colorful candy hidden within will be flooding from your thorax, yes?!”
Comrage Gregorovich was able to slowly regain self-control. I held my friend while he sobbed for the better part of two hours. Such a strange pair, I am imagining how we looked to outsiders: Comrade Gregorovich, six-centimeters in length and sporting his ubiquitous oversized novelty sunglasses; and myself, in my new pantsuit of molded plaster and tinfoil shoes.
Comrade Gregorovich sniffled and wiped his compound eyes with hanky, “I am sorry, friend. I find myself suffering from righteous indignation more and more often these days, since the ascendancy of Obama as America’s number one homosexual Manchurian Candidate.
Also, I found myself listening to your friends, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck today. And I confess I am at a loss at to why more Americans cannot see what they so clearly demonstrate day after day after day: that liberals and Democrats can NEVER be loyal patriots! They are ALWAYS operating under ulterior motives! They are ALWAYS scheming to destroy what the Founding Fathers erected!
Heed well my words, friend Konstantinovich! It is impossible - IMPOSSIBLE, I say - to be both an American and a liberal!
Remember this always, friend: it is a fallacy that Democrats or liberals are basically decent Americans, and that their opposition to Conservatives arises merely from differences in policy. That is a lie!
Democrats and liberals are TRAITORS to the republic! And though they may escape the just fate of those who engage in treason, they shall not escape the punishment of a just God, who surely will sentence them to an eternity of suffering in hell for their crimes!
Ah, well. Someday, my friend. Someday it will be legal to gut any and all liberals, regardless of sex, race, or marital status, for no other reason than being liberals. Ha! That is something I look upon with relish, friend!
But there is much to see and learn, Konstantinovich. I shan’t allow myself to be overcome similarly again. Come, let us continue.
You see before you the dirty hippies of the modern age. As disgusting and loathsome as these leftist propagandists can be, they are of some use to, shall I say ‘real Americans?’ Now follow along, friend and I’ll show you why.
This ‘MediaMatters’ is a repository of all that these disgusting liberals believe. Follow it, and you find yourself within the hive of this planet’s most hateful, spiteful, evil creatures: LIBERALS!”
At this, Comrade Gregorovich began dry-heaving. So concerning was the violence of his gagging, I came to his side.
He raised a hand to stop me. “Tis not needed, though I thank you, friend. I was anticipating this reaction to such a disgusting subject, thus have not eaten for the last two days. Believe you me, had I ingested even a sip of water, we would have found ourselves immersed in my sick a moment ago!
Egad! I shudder at rage o’er the realization that both liberals and...civil...” again dry-heaving, “civil libertarians are hopeful once again of the future!”
Comrade Gregorovich again beckoned me forward. “Come, my good friend. Now shall you find to what depths of hell liberals will burn for their temerity! Let us delve deeper into the mire that is…MEDIAMATTERS!
At this, Comrade Gregorovich began dry-heaving. So concerning was the violence of his gagging, I came to his side.
He raised a hand to stop me. “Tis not needed, though I thank you, friend. I was anticipating this reaction to such a disgusting subject, thus have not eaten for the last two days. Believe you me, had I ingested even a sip of water, we would have found ourselves immersed in my sick a moment ago!
Egad! I shudder at rage o’er the realization that both liberals and...civil...” again dry-heaving, “civil libertarians are hopeful once again of the future!”
Comrade Gregorovich again beckoned me forward. “Come, my good friend. Now shall you find to what depths of hell liberals will burn for their temerity! Let us delve deeper into the mire that is…MEDIAMATTERS!
To be continued…
-Dasvedanya
Cross posted @ the Good Kentuckian
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Good Citizen,
I applaud your decision to "post" a comment here upon my "blog".
Unless of course you are foolish enough to disagree with me. Should that be the case, then good day to you, sir or madam!