Torture: Be Proud of Your Heritage, America! Part II

Comrades,

I was receiving your status reports for the week ending April 10th, and I am being disappointed. Your sales numbers are being lower year-to-date; your attendance has become inconsistent.

Comrades, please to be thinking of me not as supervisor, but friend; yes? And as friend, I am giving friendly suggestion; yes?

Shape up, bourgeois pigs! Or I am being forced to write up for poor performance! Now be getting out of my sight! I am feeling my belly lunging upwards!

Be having fun, comrades! Remember: we are friends!

I am trusting you have not forgotten previous installment [HERE], wherein comrade Gregorovich was being kind enough to train me in ways of American speakings.

I awoke to consciousness several hours later. Comrade Gregorovich had apparently filled the intervening time by imbibing several liters of a vodka/soda/gasoline mix drink. He focused on me with obvious difficulty.

“Marlene, is that you? You’ve really let yourself go.”

I was not being aware who Marlene was, and informed Gregorovich accordingly as I sopped up the copious volume of blood which had issued forth from my facial lacerations.

“Comrade, it is I, Konstantinovich! Have you forgotten? We are examining academician Bagley’s suppositions regarding the torture of suspected terrorists.”

Nothing revives Gregorovich’s sobriety so much as righteous indignation. He launched himself from the tomb of the ancients, performed a midair somersault, and finished with a perfect three-point stance.

“That’s right, commie filth! Before we were so rudely interrupted by your stupidity, we were discussing the logical fallacies inherent in arguing that Gitmo detainees are human beings!

Now, as I’ve stated already, we have no doubt that every single ‘person’ sitting in Guantanamo Bay and sundry ‘black sites’ were captured because they were actively engaged in acts of terrorism!

How do we know this? Because the government tells us they were! Of course, as civilians, we aren’t privy to all the evidence that’s been collected to prove such, so we have to take the government’s word for it.

So why should we trust the government? Because they tell us they’ve got evidence - which is not available to either us stupid civilians or the accused - that says these people were engaged in acts of terrorism!

So let’s review:

Do you see, friend?”

“Comrade, I am being certain your argument would not be making sense to me if not for the beating I sustained at your hands. But I am seeing hallucinations as well as the logic of your argument.”

Gregorovich tittered with his mirthful giggle.

“Very good, friend. Now we continue; so we know these pernicious fiends are in custody. Can you tell me now, is there any reason we should NOT torture these beasts?”

“Comrade, I am believing in your ability to see what does not exist in reality; and as a committed supporter of authoritarianism, I see no problem with the practice of torture. But I am not seeing how your country can legally reconcile it with your Constitution.”

Again, Gregorovich giggled; following the giggle, he poured himself an apple martini, which he then threw in the face of a bartender who suddenly apparrated.

“Friend, if there’s one thing America has learned in this young century, it’s that the ‘law’ is whatever the executive branch says it is.

The Bush administration taught us that the Constitution is not necessarily essential to protect; you can pick and choose what you want to defend, and what you wipe your ass with. For example:

• Dick Cheney taught us that the Vice Presidency is its very own branch of government! It’s neither a part of the executive branch, nor the legislative! It exists in a netherworld that the Founding Fathers MEANT to include in the Constitution, but were too stupid and uneducated to add! It required the ascension of a brilliant, Constitutional student such as Dick to assume his rightful place in the heretofore unnamed fourth branch of government!
• That it’s possible for America to disregard not only its obligations to legally-ratified treaties, but that it can emulate the most unconstitutional of dictatorships with ease!

Well, the list is rather long…but impressive. And now, the Obama administration is following suit!

In fact, they’ve gone one better! They’ve argued that not only does the NSA reserve the privilege to spy on whomever it wants whenever it wants, but that we the people are powerless to stand up to it!”

“Comrade, is that not antithetical to everything Constitutional law as it’s been practiced for over 200 years? How are you to know if the government is eavesdropping on you by mistake?”

Gregorovich waved his hand dismissively.

“Pfft! ‘Constitutional law’ is an overrated concept. As for the ‘mistaken eavesdropping’, that’s just stupid! The NSA, like this nation’s law enforcement agencies, is never mistaken!

Also, if you’re not guilty of a crime, you shouldn’t mind having your phone conversations listened to.

Even better, the Obama administration closed loopholes to better block all those ACLU pussies! I love this part from those pansies at the EFF [HERE]:

The DOJ claims that the U.S. Government is completely immune from litigation for illegal spying — that the Government can never be sued for surveillance that violates federal privacy statutes.

Brilliant! Here’s basically what the government is saying:

Anyway, you’ve gotten me off track once again, friend. Let us return to matter at hand.”

At this, Gregorovich released a flock of doves into the air, which then flew into formation spelling out crude, gauche messages to a group of preschoolers across the street.

To be continued…

-Dasvedanya!

Cross posted @ the Good Kentuckian